༺ Unshakeable Hawthorn (3) ༻
I slumped over my desk as soon as I arrived in the classroom. Lately, I’ve been feeling utterly drained and unmotivated.
‘How come I haven’t seen him even once?’
I haven’t had a chance to meet with Carl oppa ever since the second semester started. It was as if all the time we spent together during the break had been subtracted from this semester. Enen seemed exceptionally harsh, strictly applying its rules whenever it suited it.
It wasn’t just a string of coincidences that prevented our meetings. There were legitimate reasons why I hadn’t seen him, which made it all the more frustrating. And there was nowhere to vent my frustrations, too.
‘If only we were in the same club.’
I’ve been thinking that every day since the second semester began. I should have just signed up for the pastry club when Louise said she was starting it. I had no idea things would turn out like this.
Last semester, I could visit the pastry club frequently and see him even though I was in the gardening club. But that was only because the gardening club had a relaxed schedule, and the seniors were accommodating.
“Things get really busy at the start of the semester. Just hang in there.”
“Yes, senior.”
Obviously, such accommodations couldn’t be expected if the club was busy. As senior said, club activities pile up at the beginning of the semester, and it was the same last semester. I was avoiding oppa back then, so it wasn’t a problem.
It all came down to the club. This whole tragedy happened because I was in the gardening club and not the pastry club.
‘It’s not like I can just quit now.’
I felt more helpless the more I thought about it.
The clubs at the academy weren’t just for sharing hobbies; they were also a significant part of social circles. With histories spanning decades or even centuries, the number of club alumni spread across the empire was as equally proportional.
Unilaterally leaving such a social network after joining voluntarily? That would definitely make me unpopular with many alumni. I would have neither allies nor enemies if I hadn’t joined any club, but leaving after joining would only create enemies.
‘Just a little longer.’
Yes, I should just endure it. No matter how tough it became, it would eventually end. And once it did, I could finally see him again.
‘…Will it be the same next year?’
But this thought suddenly plunged me into deeper despair. I was trying to be optimistic, but everything seemed ruined now.
Feeling overwhelmed, I wanted to give up on everything. If I was already feeling like this during the morning, then it was bound to last the whole day. My day was already ruined, so I might as well just sleep it off.
‘I want to leave early.’
Should I just say that I was feeling sick and go home? Being heartbroken also counts as being sick, right?
While I was plotting this minor escapade, someone touched my shoulder.
“Are you sleeping, Irina?”
I could tell who it was even without looking up at the voice. It was Louise.
I considered pretending to be asleep, but it must be something important if she had gone out of her way to talk to me. Besides, I didn’t want to ignore Louise.
“No, I’m just lying down.”
“Are you not feeling well?”
Lifting my head slightly, I saw Louise looking at me with concern. My mood lightened just a bit.
“I’m okay. I’m just tired.”
“Really? That’s good to hear.”
Seeing her smile made me smile, too. Thanks to her, my heart felt a bit more at peace—
“Can you come out for a bit? I need to talk to you.”
Huh?
Although it was an unexpected request, I didn’t refuse. We were just going to a quiet place for a bit, and it wasn’t like we were going far.
Besides, Louise rarely asked for private conversations. While I was curious about what was on her mind, I was also a bit worried. I hope it wasn’t anything serious.
‘I’ve never been to this place before.’
Following Louise, we arrived at a place I had never seen. The academy was so vast that there were many hidden nooks unknown to the students. It was secluded and quiet, a spot seemingly untouched and unknown to others.
Louise really knew how to find such spots. It seemed like the perfect place for a confidential talk.
Then, as I was looking around, Louise spoke.
“Isn’t it beautiful? I learned about this place from a senior.”
“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”
The area was strewn with flowers, and I couldn’t tell whether they were wild or tended. They seemed even more beautiful than a well-kept garden.
As we admired the flowers, I naturally relaxed. Although I didn’t know why Louise had brought me here, I couldn’t afford to be stiff when she was trusting me enough to speak up. I had to offer her the same trust.
“Listen, Irina. I need to ask you something.”
I braced and prepared myself, knowing that this conversation might be difficult for her. No matter what she said, I was determined not to let it shake me.
“Why did you choose a hawthorn plant as a gift for oppa?”
‘Ah.’
My resolve crumbled instantly.
“Th-that gift?”
I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but my voice trembled.
It wasn’t a recent gift; I had given it last semester. It wasn’t a secret gift, either. But why would she ask about it now?
‘Did she notice?’
My heart raced. Louise wouldn’t ask me this if she thought that it was a normal gift. She must have realized something.
And the hidden meaning behind that gift was only one thing.
‘My only love.’
Remembering the hawthorn’s symbolic meaning made my hands tremble. Although it wasn’t my intended message, the hawthorn was more famously associated with the meaning of ‘my only love.’
Someone else had discovered it. That embarrassing, unintended confession had been exposed. I felt an urge to flee right then and there.
‘No.’
I should calm down. Being found out wasn’t necessarily a problem.
Yes, it’s embarrassing and awkward. I haven’t even confessed to him, and someone else found out about my true feelings. But what’s wrong with liking someone? There’s nothing wrong with that.
“I chose it because of its beautiful symbolism. I don’t think he knows it, though.”
Even if I was still too nervous to be honest with him, I didn’t want to lie to others.
“The hawthorn’s flower language means ‘my only love’.”
So, I said it with confidence.
“To me, he’s exactly that.”
It felt a bit strange that the first person I was opening up to about this wasn’t oppa but Louise.
But it should be okay since it was Louise. It was quite common to seek relationship advice from a close friend.
Grit—
…What was that sound?
***
I unconsciously gritted my teeth after hearing Irina’s confession.
It was true. Irina liked oppa, too. I had hoped that wasn’t the case and wished that it was just my misunderstanding.
‘She liked him first.’
No matter how I looked at it, she already had feelings for him from the moment she gave him the hawthorn. That was even before I came to terms with my own feelings during the vacation.
An inexplicable sense of anger began to spread through my heart. No, I knew the reason why. It was infuriating to know that there was someone else ahead of me other than Senior.
I would understand if it were Senior. If it were her, I’d have no choice but to accept.
‘You stayed silent, too.’
Irina wasn’t proactive like Senior. She was silent, just like me, and had also given him many gifts.
‘But I met him first.’
I was the one who was close to him first.
It should be me first. I shouldn’t have to yield to anyone else—
“Louise, what’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?”
Irina’s concerned voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
Seeing Irina’s face reminded me of everything we’ve been through. Meeting her for the first time, becoming friends, playing together, laughing together, and even fighting at times.
‘I’m such a fool.’
The bitterness consuming me turned into self-loathing. How could I feel this way about Irina, of all people? What was I thinking to harbor resentment against such a precious friend? Plus, it was thanks to Irina that I even had a chance.
If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t even know I had a chance. Senior may have given me permission, but it was Irina who gave me the opportunity. To harbor anger against such a person would be shameless of me.
Yes, shameless.
‘How ugly can I get?’
I felt ridiculous while reflecting on my actions. Foolish, cowardly, and without dignity. Why was I acting like this?
Despite my frustrations and desires, there were feelings I shouldn’t entertain. Blinded by love, I was about to throw away a precious friendship that had brought me blessings.
Even the question I asked earlier was strange. Why did I ask about the hawthorn? Was that something you should ask someone who gave a gift? What right did I have to interrogate Irina?
Tears welled up in my eyes.
***
It was disconcerting. Anyone would be flustered in this situation.
“I’m sorry, so so s-sorry…”
After standing there dazedly for a while, Louise suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing.
I couldn’t understand why she was apologizing. However, calming her down was the priority, so I comforted her and wiped her face.
“I-I also like him… and hearing that you, Irina, like him too…”
As I dabbed her face with a handkerchief, she continued her fragmented, emotional confession through sobs.
‘So that’s what it was.’
I understood the whole picture after piecing her broken words together.
It was jealousy. She was jealous because I liked the same person she did.
I understood. Even though having multiple wives wasn’t rare, it was only natural to feel sad when the man you love was with other women.
“It’s okay. You’ve been honest about it.”
Expressing such sadness openly was actually a healthy way to deal with it. Some hid their feelings only to lash out at critical moments or show cold disregard or contempt. Compared to that, crying and venting were comparatively cute.
That aside, it was unexpected. If Louise liked someone, I thought it would be one of the five.
“I’m really sorry, I was wrong…”
“It’s okay, really.”
As I inadvertently looked at Louise, she started sobbing again.
Why did she call me out here if this was going to happen? It was hard to tell if she was strong or delicate.
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