༺ Something I Would Overcome Someday (3) ༻
I quietly slipped out to the balcony, unnoticed by the others. For some reason, rainy summers always made me feel strangely unwell.
Actually, it wasn’t really that strange, because I knew exactly why. I was still trapped in that day, the one from nine years ago that I couldn’t seem to forget.
I looked up at the sky, which was filled with dark clouds. It was dark as ever, just like how I always felt when I saw it. It reminded me of unnie’s feelings toward me, and it always brought me down. It was dark that day too, and it rained heavily.
‘I’m sorry, unnie.’
It had been a long time since I surpassed the age unnie was. I’ve even grown taller than her, who seemed so tall when I was younger. She stopped growing in the past, but I’ve continued to grow. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.
But it would never reach her no matter how much I apologize. They say the souls of good people stay as guardian spirits near their loved ones, but unnie hated me. She won’t be by my side. She’s probably in heaven.
Still, I couldn’t stop apologizing. It’s my fault. It’s because of me that she’s gone now.
“—ise—”
I doubt I’ll see her even after death, but still…
“Louise?”
Just then, I felt a weight on my shoulder and heard oppa’s voice.
“O-oppa?”
The suddenness of it startled me. Only after turning around did I realize the potential awkwardness. I hoped I hadn’t been crying. Were my eyes red?
It would be rude to appear gloomy to oppa, especially when I’ve been invited into his family home and was supposed to be enjoying myself.
Fortunately, it didn’t seem like I had cried, seeing as he didn’t say anything in particular and just expressed his concern about me being out in the rain.
He noticed that I came out and followed to check on me. Oppa was truly kind.
‘I wish I were more like him.’
If I were half, no, even a quarter as good as oppa, then maybe unnie wouldn’t have left. Seeing the bond between oppa and Erich, I can be sure of it. Yes, that must be it.
Thinking about it made me steal a glance at him. Standing next to me, oppa looked at the garden silently.
‘Would it be okay?’
Suddenly, I wondered if it would be okay to talk to oppa about my sister.
It was a spur-of-the-moment thought, but at the same time, it seemed like a good idea. It didn’t feel right to tell the others.
I knew they’ve been showing me kindness, but it would be selfish to unilaterally share my personal burdens with them. It might seem like I only reached out when I needed something from them.
But with oppa, who treated me like a sibling and was always considerate of me…
“Oppa and Erich seem close.”
Of course, I was being childish for leaning on oppa’s kindness and being selfish. He might be taken aback when I suddenly bring up something so heavy.
But the words were already out. I’ve held back until now, but I just couldn’t do it today for some reason. Maybe it’s because of the weather that reminded me of that day, or maybe it’s because I feel like oppa, who was kind, would listen to my feelings.
So, I let it out. Everything I’ve kept to myself, and the ones I couldn’t even share with my parents, who felt the same sorrow.
‘I’m such a fool.’
And after I said it all, I came back to my senses. What a fool I am. Why did I say all of that? I must have bothered oppa, who was already busy enough as it was.
I added a belated apology, but I guess he must be disappointed already— right?
“O-oppa?”
His hand suddenly landed on my head. It was so unexpected that I almost thought he was going to scold me, but he gently ruffled my hair instead.
“You don’t have to apologize for that.”
I found myself looking straight into oppa’s eyes.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
‘Really?’
The words rose to my throat, but I couldn’t bring myself to say them. Just accepting oppa’s words seemed too unfair to unnie.
If I accept that it’s not my fault, then it’s as if unnie died for no reason. I felt grateful for oppa’s words, but I couldn’t just agree with them.
As I remained silent, oppa kept ruffling my hair without saying a word. Gradually, he applied more force, making not just my hair but my entire head shake.
Was he punishing me for saying something unnecessary? I’m sorry, oppa. I feel dizzy. Or was it because I didn’t respond? Either way, it was my fault.
“Thank you for telling me.”
But oppa wasn’t trying to scold or punish me. It was just his way of showing intense affection.
“Talking to someone about it can at least bring some comfort.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. Maybe that’s how it seemed. Maybe it looked like I wanted comfort.
But I didn’t. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’ve never once thought I deserved comfort.
Still, a part of me felt tickled. Even though I considered myself a sinner undeserving of comfort, his words almost brought me to tears.
“Of course, you didn’t wish for it to happen.”
That’s right. Who would wish for their only sister’s death?
“You didn’t ignore it, either.”
Yes, I didn’t ignore it. After all, I was the reason why she left.
“And you haven’t forgotten.”
Of course I haven’t. How could I forget? It’s something I could never forget even if I wanted to.
Despite feeling unworthy, I wanted to hear more of oppa’s comforting words. Just a little more, please. Any words would do, even if they weren’t sincere.
“That’s why no one would say that it’s your fault.”
Really? Were there really no people who would blame me?
My parents only blamed themselves. The servants who knew about it just pitied me and kept quiet. No one else knew because I never opened up.
Would the others not blame me if they knew? Would they say it wasn’t my fault?
‘If it’s oppa who’s saying it…’
Oppa had always been considerate towards me, and he’d never lied before.
Yes. If that’s what oppa says, then it must be true. It should be.
…I guess I just wanted to believe that. I wanted to trust the words I wanted to hear from someone I trusted.
“It’s getting chilly. You should go in first.”
Despite my one-sided whining, oppa kindly suggested that I go inside first even though he must be cold, too.
Before heading inside, I noticed that he was a bit wet from the rain. I should bring him something so he could dry himself off. He might catch a cold if he stays wet.
As I looked around, I locked eyes with Erich, who was a bit apart from the others.
“Louise, were you outside?”
“Yes, I just needed some air.”
“But you shouldn’t stay out long enough to get wet.”
Erich rummaged through a nearby drawer and handed me a towel. He sure knew where everything was since he lived here.
“Can I have another one?”
“Ah, is it not enough?”
At that, I subtly glanced towards the balcony, and Erich followed my gaze. Then, he nodded and pulled out another towel.
“That’s surprising. I thought he didn’t like the rain.”
That comment stopped me in my tracks as I was about to head back outside. Oppa didn’t like the rain, either?
“Why? What happened?”
“Ah.”
Erich hesitated for a moment and let out a sigh before finally speaking. He said it wasn’t a pleasant story and that he couldn’t go into details.
“A few years back, there was a big incident. Everyone was worried that hyung might not make it.”
His additional comment that it had also been raining then made my mind go blank. Did I just whine about my trauma in front of someone with their own trauma? And to oppa, to whom I owed so much?
My hand, which was holding the towel, trembled. Was he comforting me while carrying his own wounds?
“Don’t tell anyone, okay?”
“Uh-huh…”
I could barely nod in response to Erich’s repeated request. How could I tell anyone? I’ve kept my own issues tightly hidden, so what right did I have to talk about oppa’s?
As I weakly headed back to the balcony, I saw oppa’s back. The back that had looked so strong and imposing before now seemed different.
This was it. The reason oppa had seemed off all this time. He had things he’d been hiding, avoiding, and bearing all alone.
Of course, I didn’t know the details, and I shouldn’t. Until oppa chose to tell me himself, I must remain oblivious.
“Oppa!”
I shouldn’t show any strange behavior. I shouldn’t let him see worry or pity in my face. If the kid who just went in came back out looking grave, he would suspect something.
So, I would smile. I could definitely smile in front of oppa.
He was the one who comforted and embraced me first. He was the first person I opened up to.
‘Let’s wait.’
For the day when oppa would open up to me. For the day when I could comfort him.
Seeing oppa smile back at me, I made that promise to myself.
***
I was moved by Louise’s kindness, who came back out in the rain. Thinking about how this sweet child has been suffering so much until now brought tears to my eyes.
‘Please be happy.’
If Louise overcomes her trauma, then I, too, could find the courage to move forward. I still feel that way. But apart from my own courage, I also wanted to see this bright, unscarred child smile happily.
Hang in there, Louise. If there’s any conscience left in this world, you, as the protagonist, should be destined for a happy ending.
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