༺ It Will End Even If It’s Long (3) ༻
Oppa had to leave again for work as soon as we returned to the mansion. Being a civil servant is really a challenging job. I can’t remember ever seeing him relaxed.
‘I should definitely avoid becoming a civil servant.’
I haven’t decided on my career path after graduation, but I’m sure I should steer clear of being a civil servant. I’m not as capable as oppa, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
That’s why I’m always worried about him. He looks so worn out, but how much more so must he be in reality? Unlike students who get vacations, oppa gets no such breaks.
‘Should I make something for him?’
I seriously considered it. At the Academy, I used to make cookies with all sorts of ingredients that were supposed to be good for fatigue, but I haven’t done that since the vacation. After all, it was rude for guests to hang out in the kitchen.
In fact, the butler said we could use the kitchen as much as we wanted after hearing that we were in the pastry club, but I haven’t ventured near it yet. The food prepared by the mansion’s staff was probably better for oppa than my cookies. I shouldn’t disturb the professionals.
But seeing oppa so overwhelmed with work made me want to help him, even if just a little. Maybe it would be okay to be in the kitchen just for a short while?
“No one would say that it’s your fault.”
His voice seemed to echo in my ears, prompting me to shake my head.
Oppa had listened to my complaints that day and said exactly what I needed to hear.
Right, I hadn’t properly thanked him for that yet. I should do something for him before it’s too late.
Yes, that’s why the idea came to me. It’s because I hadn’t repaid him for his kindness yet.
‘It’s just that. There’s no other meaning.’
Even though there was no one around to hear, I found myself making excuses. Wait, it wasn’t an excuse.
I tried to calm my increasingly flushed face as I headed to the commercial district. The kitchen wouldn’t have the herbs I needed.
So I quietly left the mansion and bought a bunch of ingredients. I didn’t want to get caught and turn a task that I could manage alone into something that required several people.
“Oppa?”
“Huh?”
And on my way back, I ran into oppa near the mansion’s main gate. It was hardly a street, but that was where we met.
I didn’t expect to see him at this hour. Usually, he wouldn’t return until almost sunset.
‘I wanted to keep it a secret.’
I got caught before I could make the surprise gift. I had deliberately chosen a time when I knew he wouldn’t be around, but here we were.
It seemed like Enen was chiding me for trying to hide anything from oppa. After all, I had already shared all my secrets—
‘No, it can’t be that.’
My thoughts were veering in a strange direction. This shouldn’t be happening.
My mind wasn’t functioning properly. Was it because oppa was staring intently at me? Why? Was there something on my face?
Or did he have something to say? Here, when there’s just the two of us…?
“Louise, do you have a moment?”
“Yes?”
My hands trembled.
I almost dropped everything I was holding at Oppa’s words, but I managed to compose myself. Why am I acting like this? This isn’t the first time I’ve been alone with him.
I glanced at oppa several times, and our eyes inadvertently met. I almost looked away, but that would have been even more awkward.
“I’m sorry for springing this on you.”
“It’s okay. I have plenty of time.”
I quickly shook my head at his apology. I was resting comfortably in the mansion thanks to him, so I should make time for him when needed. It was only right.
Oppa smiled softly at my reaction. Did I overdo it?
“I need some advice.”
“Oh, of course! Anytime!”
The word ‘advice’ instantly dispelled any embarrassment I felt, replacing it with a flutter of excitement.
At the Academy, I always told oppa to share his concerns with me since I owed him a lot and wanted to repay him in some way.
But instead, I ended up whining to him. Despite feeling thankful, it made me embarrassed at the same time.
‘Finally.’
Oppa was finally going to share his worries with me. At last, I could give back a little of what I received from him.
And that means he trusts me now, right…?
A feeling of excitement spread through my chest as I waited for him to speak.
“This is about someone I know—”
I almost laughed at the cliché but unexpected start.
Oppa, everyone knows that saying it’s about someone you know is just an excuse.
He must have realized this too, as he clammed up and awkwardly stared at the ground.
***
My indecisiveness flared up one last time.
“This is about someone I know—”
What the hell? What kind of bullshit was I talking about?
A sense of self-loathing overwhelmed me. In such a situation, talking about ‘someone you know’ is obviously an excuse. It’s like saying, ‘I’m about to share something very embarrassing, but it’s not about me.’
I showed my cowardice in a situation where I was supposed to gather courage. If there was a sanctuary for the super cowardly, I’d be a VVIP.
“…It’s about me.”
“Yes, it’s about you, oppa.”
Louise’s slightly amused response made me feel even more miserable, but it helped me gather my thoughts.
“A few years ago, something unpleasant happened.”
I carefully began, being cautious not to mention the incident directly.
I was asking for Louise’s advice to gather the courage to tell Marghetta, not to unload my burdens on Louise. It would be unfair to add my own wounds to a child who hadn’t yet fully healed from hers.
“I became somewhat withdrawn because of that incident. I think I pushed some people away a few times.”
From Marghetta’s perspective, it wasn’t just ‘somewhat’ or ‘a few times.’ I really owed her a sincere apology.
“I didn’t even explain the situation to those I pushed away. I didn’t say anything.”
I really didn’t say anything. Not a word about my situation, nor did I ask for patience or understanding. I did nothing of the sort.
“It was wrong. If I pushed someone away because of my situation, I should have at least explained why.”
I made that choice entirely on my own. I couldn’t accept Marghetta because I hadn’t gotten over Hecate yet. It was an undeniable choice I made.
What about Marghetta, though? Was her choice entirely her own? No, it couldn’t be. A complete choice required all the information, which I deliberately withheld. How could she make a full choice when I deliberately withheld information?
I suppressed Marghetta for my own good. No matter how much I try to justify it, that fact doesn’t change.
“I was scared to tell her. I feared it might ruin our current relationship, or that it might burden her unnecessarily.”
I paused and observed Louise’s expression.
Louise listened quietly, her blue eyes shining. There was no sign of discomfort or aversion in her reaction, nor did she look at me pityingly. She simply listened in silence.
It was, in fact, comforting. I felt thankful for that.
“I was scared, plain and simple. There’s no other way to put it.”
I reached out and patted Louise’s shoulder a few times.
I used to feel embarrassed whenever she, who was younger than me, worried for me.
Now, I wonder what made me any better than her apart from my age. At least Louise had the courage to speak up on her own.
“That’s why I wanted some advice from someone brave.”
“You might have approached the wrong person.”
“Well, I think I chose the right one.”
We both smiled at that. It wasn’t particularly funny, but the laughter came naturally.
Louise, still smiling, looked me in the eye and spoke softly.
“If you’re a coward, then wouldn’t you rather lean on someone else?”
Her response was unexpected.
“Actually, I didn’t say it out of courage, either. I just wanted to say it like a child seeking attention, thinking that oppa would listen.”
Louise smiled sheepishly but continued speaking.
“It was scary to keep such things to myself and it was also scary to share it with others, yet I still wanted to confide in someone and seek comfort. Where else would you find a coward like that in the world?”
As she talked, Louise placed her hand over mine, which was resting on her shoulder. I instinctively tried to pull my hand away but she held on, not letting go.
“This coward just blurted it out, but oppa listened to that coward’s words.”
Was the person oppa wanted to confide in someone who would ignore the cries of a coward?
I was speechless at Louise’s added remark.
No. The Marghetta I knew wasn’t that kind of person. She wouldn’t lightly dismiss someone else’s trauma, even if it wasn’t mine.
“Or is it because you think that the incident you’re bearing is your own fault? Is that why you’re afraid to tell someone?”
Regrettably, I couldn’t say no confidently. If I had been stronger, if I had been someone Hecate could depend on, then that incident might not have happened.
As I stood still, unable to speak, Louise smiled wryly.
“Oppa didn’t want that incident to happen, did you?”
The words sounded familiar.
“You didn’t ignore it, either.”
The familiar words repeated, but now the roles were reversed.
“And you haven’t forgotten.”
My face flushed for several reasons. What was I thinking when I said those words back then? I was too bold in a situation where I couldn’t even take care of myself.
“That’s why no one would say that it’s your fault.”
“…That’s what I wanted to hear.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear, too.”
A wry smile escaped me. Now I’m even losing against Louise in a verbal battle.
“Yes, I wanted to hear that.”
But it was a relief that I had been outsmarted.
If I was good with words, her persuasion wouldn’t have worked, and I would still be hesitating.
“Thank you.”
Well, she wasn’t the protagonist for nothing.
“Don’t mention it.”
Louise’s bright smile gave me the courage to truly face Marghetta.
Or was it not courage, but the cowardice of relying on someone else?
Whether it was courage or cowardice didn’t matter. The outcome would be the same anyway.
‘It took a whole year…’
Since I met Marghetta.
Now, I could finally show her my true feelings.
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