༺ It Will End Even If It’s Long (4) ༻
I couldn’t stop worrying. The worries that started that day have grown larger and have never left my mind.
‘What should I do?’
I felt so lost. I had no idea that the choice I made a year ago would have such a critical impact.
Why was it so hard to get married right after becoming a civil servant? Can’t civil servants marry freely? Why was the treatment of civil servants so harsh?
‘I should have looked into it more.’
I sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time. It was a choice I made to stay close to Carl. But being close was just that—nothing more was possible. Then what was the point? I wouldn’t have made that choice had I known.
But I couldn’t just quit the student council now. Showing such irresponsibility and lack of principle would disappoint Mother.
Marrying immediately after becoming a civil servant was also not possible. Ignoring the rules and customs among civil servants might make me look like an arrogant daughter-in-law to Mother, a daughter-in-law who relied on the prestige of her ducal family.
‘What should I do?’
No matter how much I thought, I couldn’t find a way. On the bright side, I still had a year and a half until graduation. But honestly, it’s only a year and a half. Will I find a way to meet both Mother’s expectations and be practical at the same time during that period?
It was heartbreaking. I felt like I would cry if I let my guard down even a little. I’m so embarrassed by myself for proudly mistaking a fatal restraint for a treasure.
Could Carl have been quiet until now because I was in the student council? Did he stay put while thinking I had no intention of marrying after graduation?
Thinking this, I couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. How strange must I have looked in Carl’s eyes—a person with no interest in marrying.
Maybe it’s time to decide and act aggressively. Even if it disappoints Mother, I should deal with Carl first—
Knock knock—
“Mar, are you there?”
I was startled by Carl’s sudden voice. To be thinking of him and then for him to come… our relationship must really be fate.
The problem was that I had pushed him away with my mistake. Why did I do that? I wish I could turn back time.
“Yes, Sir Carl. Come in.”
I tried to compose my voice, hiding my sadness. I couldn’t send Carl away when he had come all this way.
“I’m sorry for coming so suddenly.”
“Fufu, it’s your mansion, Sir Carl. Why would you apologize?”
Seeing him apologize as soon as he entered, a smile naturally formed on my face.
Still, seeing Carl made my heart feel a bit lighter. Yes, no matter how difficult the problem was, I had to overcome it. I must overcome these trials to be by Carl’s side.
“Please sit comfortably. Mother isn’t here, but shall we have a tea party with just the two of us?”
I offered Carl a seat and moved towards the teapot on the other side of the room. It was always too much trouble to call a servant so I had it in my room, which was more convenient.
“That… Mar, I have something important to tell you.”
But Carl’s voice made me turn towards him again. It was unusually somber and heavy.
He was still standing, his expression stiff and tense. It was an unfamiliar and unexpected sight.
“It might be a long conversation.”
“That’s fine. I don’t care how long it is, so take your time and tell me.”
The atmosphere made me tense as well. What could he possibly want to say?
Still, I couldn’t show Carl a tense face. I needed to respond calmly to help him feel at ease—
“I was the one who told Mother that civil servants can’t marry right after becoming one. It was a lie.”
What…?
“I did it to avoid an engagement with you. I’m sorry.”
…?
For a moment, my mind went blank.
***
It’s undeniable that I pushed Marghetta away with that strange lie. That’s why I wanted to start by apologizing.
“S-sir Carl? Did I make a big mistake? I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. It wasn’t intentional. If you tell me what I did wrong, I will definitely correct it.”
Marghetta, who had been standing there dazedly, soon started to ramble and tremble. I felt uncomfortable after seeing that tears began to form in her eyes.
But I had to apologize for my mistake. I couldn’t just let it go, considering the trouble Marghetta must have gone through with my talk about civil servants.
“Mar, you did nothing wrong. You really are a wonderful person.”
Even my words of comfort couldn’t stop Marghetta’s trembling. It was understandable. Words from someone who pushed her away would seem just polite.
“It was because I wasn’t ready to marry anyone.”
“Ready…?”
Marghetta asked tentatively, and I nodded. I had said the same thing last year. I had rejected her then too, saying I wasn’t ready to be with someone.
And now I was finally telling her why I hadn’t been ready. It’s remarkable, and I meant it in a bad way.
“I was in love with someone else. We even promised to marry.”
Marghetta’s eyes trembled with a different meaning at that. ‘Was’, ‘ promised’. The implication was clear.
“I wasn’t strong enough, so she left for Enen.”
It simply meant, ‘not anymore.’
Strangely, I felt nothing after I started speaking. I thought I would either feel relieved or regret while saying it, but I really felt nothing at all. It was as if I was saying something mundane like, ‘We’re having steak for tonight’s dinner.’
That was why I could continue speaking without hesitation.
“I really loved her. I thought I was going mad when she left. Despite the continuous misfortunes, I was there by her side, and I wish she had relied on me more and persevered.”
But what could I do? She had lost most of her friends and the people who were as close as family to her. She had even suffered wounds that made it difficult to move over time.
If Hecate had a family to care for, she might have endured. However, that family was gone. Feeling empty, Hecate must have feared becoming a burden to me, fearing to be the one dragging me down.
I was fine with it. No matter what her condition was, I could have spent a lifetime happily with her… but she left.
“Over time, I realized something. I’m not someone to be relied on, and even those I hold dear might leave someday.”
Even Hecate left. It seemed as if the world conspired to take her away with every possible misfortune.
Could I be certain that what happened once won’t happen again? Could I be sure that Marghetta won’t face similar misfortunes?
“That’s why I didn’t have the courage to be with you, Mar. If you left me too, enduring it twice would drive me insane.”
If it happened twice, there wouldn’t be a third time. I would go and beat Enen up before that third time happens.
Then, I looked into Marghetta’s teary eyes. The tears had already rolled down her cheeks, but she didn’t look away, staring into my eyes as if determined to listen to me till the end.
Perhaps the color green really does bring peace to the mind. Or was it just because I started opening up?
“…In truth, I haven’t forgotten her even after two years. Everything still remains vivid in my heart.”
I decided to tell Marghetta everything, even admitting that the person who left me still lingered in my heart.
“I’m sorry. I should have said this last year, but I’m only telling you now.”
At that time, I thought that just getting through the moment of discussing marriage with Marghetta would suffice. I believed I wouldn’t see her again after politely refusing, so I didn’t explain in detail.
But that was an excuse. It might have been right then, but not anymore. From the moment I met Marghetta at the Academy, when she showed me undeserved kindness, or even when Mother showed interest in her. At least by then, I should have told her.
“…I’m sorry, Mar.”
My head bowed automatically. I spoke too late to someone who has looked at me for a year.
Even worse, my long explanation was just a detailed reason for not accepting Marghetta. Not a confession of acceptance, but rather, a detailed rejection. It was even more cruel, in a way.
“Sir Carl, can you look at me?”
At her words, I cautiously raised my head. Then, Marghetta’s hand reached towards my cheek.
Well, that was expected. I would rather have her be angry at me.
But contrary to my expectation, her hand gently rested on my cheek. It wasn’t a loud slap, just a soft touch.
“I’ll let it slide because it’s been only a year. Thankfully, it didn’t stretch to two years.”
Her eyes were red, but she wore a gentle smile. I was lost for words at her reaction.
“Thank you. For trusting me and telling me.”
“Mar.”
I didn’t expect to hear words of gratitude. I don’t deserve such words.
“Sir Carl, does anyone else know about this?”
“The Minister and the Invincible Duke know, but… you’re the first one I’ve told personally.”
“So, you did trust me.”
Marghetta didn’t blame me for staying silent for a year. She was thankful that I finally spoke, even if it took a year.
How could she do that? I would have been angry if I were her and asked why it took so long.
“In fact, it hurt every time Sir Carl put up a wall. I wondered why you were so resolute when I wasn’t lacking.”
“Mar.”
“There was a reason, after all. A reason I can fully understand.”
Understanding why someone pushed you away, especially when that person was the man you love. How miserable must Marghetta have felt while saying those words?
However, she continued with a bright smile.
“Now Sir Carl will be honest with me, right?”
I nodded unconsciously at Marghetta’s words. I had laid everything bare. There was nothing left to hide, and I shouldn’t hide anything. I owed it to Marghetta to be completely transparent. It was only right for a human being to do so.
“If Sir Carl honestly and fully faces me, then I’m confident.”
I couldn’t understand what she meant by that, so I wasn’t able to respond.
“Someday, I’m sure I will have a place in Sir Carl’s heart.”
“Mar?”
“It’s probably impossible right now since you just started to open up to me. But that’s okay.”
Then, Marghetta hugged me. It was so sudden that I couldn’t react, but it wasn’t like I could push her away, either.
Marghetta was trembling slightly in my arms.
“I’ll wait until Sir Carl feels comfortable. I’ll wait until then.”
“I’ll wait until you call me Noona since the chances of me being called that would eventually be 100%, right?”
I wrapped my arms around her back. It didn’t feel like I deserved to, but I wanted to.
“Mar, I have a request.”
I buried my face in her shoulder.
“If it’s okay, instead of ‘Sir Carl’…”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at her.
“Could you call me Carl?”
But I didn’t want to let go, either.
“Of course, Carl.”
“Once more.”
“Yes, Carl.”
I was being selfish. Too selfish.
“If Carl wants me to, I’ll call you that as much as you like.”
Then, I’ll have to try to not be ashamed of myself.
Marghetta’s shoulder, which was under my face, became slightly damp.
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